The Man I Loved

Enmemorium: Sterling Bigler was killed in a bus accident a mid 1990's. I had moved away by then and he never remarried. He was one of the loves of my life.

NOVEMBER 1990

Dear Brother B:
You tell me that you are not married again because you have not met the right women.
That sounds strange to me because I feel as if we have known each other for an eternity.
We met over eight years ago when you adjusted me in Dr. John Brimhall’s office in Holbrook.
We officially me again as singles last winter at a singles ice cream social.
We have seen each other at least once a week for over a year.
Your parents have met me and encouraged me to be pushy.

This is a subject which I have made a matter of much prayer
And even through the past year, seeing you every week I have not felt ready to be married again either.
When I pray about the feelings I have for you my answer has always been,
You are a good match for me and I am a good match for you.

Some friends and acquaintances have made such suggestions as,
“You deserve better.” What do they know what I deserve?
But my answer to them has been just what the Lord’s answer has been to me repeatedly:

“What better could I ask for than a man who has and honors the priesthood?
Who can make me laugh when I am in pain.
Who can relieve my feet by rubbing them;
And relieve my tension just by listening and talking with me?
Everything else I can have from other people in my life, if I need anything more.

I have heard you say that you can’t afford to get married,
But that goes against all the advice we were given as young adults, and still applies to old single adults:

To go forth with marriage and then conquer the financial and emotional problems together as a team.

You joke that you want a wife that is beautiful, intelligent and rich.

What you need is a woman who can love you unconditionally.

Even in light of all your disabilities.
And a woman who can encourage you to go forth and be all you can be.
A woman who holds the gospel dear and honors the priesthood you hold.
You need a companion and a friend for those lonely years ahead
when the boys are all gone and you are alone.
You need a woman that makes you like yourself better when you are with her.
I am a woman that does that for you.
I don’t need your income, your body or your status as a chiropractor.
I need your spirit, and your love and for you to let me love you.
If I am getting one answer from the Lord
And you are not getting the same answer,
I believe it is because we are not asking the same questions.
Give it an open chance.
Pray about marriage; pray about me as your eternal companion.

Pray about having the courage to take the quantum Leap of faith.
Into a marriage that will benefit both of us for all eternity.

Think about it while you are in the temple Saturday

ROBERT BROWNING WROTE;

GROW OLD ALONG WITH ME
THE BEST YET TO COME
THE LAST OF LIFE,
FOR WHICH THE FIRST WAS MADE..



Dec 15,1990

Dear Bishop Smith:

After I talked to you on the phone last month about Sterling and I thought it best to not "go behind his back" so I wrote him this letter.

I knew he had spoken with you about it, because he very vageuly mentioned that "when Bishop Smith asked if I was afraid to get married, I told him 'no, I just haven't met the right woman yet"

He has totally ignored the issue of your talk or my lettter since that time, although we have spent many hours talking about many things since then, and he still seems to enjoy me being there, and enjoy our talks.

He lets me help him by typing letters for him and giving him things, and of course he helps me in many ways. I guess I just don't understand how, and why he can completely ignore the issue, when we can talk so openly about everything else.

I know it would be more proper to talk to my Bishop about this type of problem, but my Bishop doesn't know and understand Sterling, so he can't shed much light on the matter.

It's not so much that I'm all raring and anxious to get married , but it would help him so much, and it would be so good for us to let down on one area of stress, just to have one another to love.(not that I think marriage doesn't have it's stresses, I just think we could deal with those in a positive way.)

When I dream, and when I pray, and when I wake up in the night, I am thinking of him and praying for him, and I don't understand why it is so difficult for him to pray about it, or let in an answer, or at very least tell me an answer, not just pretend the issue doesn't exist.

If he would even talk to me about it, and tell me,"Lynda the answer to my prayers is: I don't want to get married. . . I don't want to marry you. . . at all. . . at this time. . . any time. . .my boys don't want me to get married. . . to you. . . to anyone. . . "

Or any answer at all would be better than not talking about it.
I guess I know you don't really have the answers, but I'm so frustrated with it all. If he wants me to back off and pretend I am "just a friend" or stay away alltogether, or whatever, I just need to know where we stand.

In several conversation it sounded like he was going to bring it up but he would change in the middle and go off on some tangent. He even mentioned how important it was to have a third party enter into some conversations that are too difficult to do alone. But you kow Sterling well enough to know he could have been thinking of something enterely different.

Thanks for "listening"

Tonight is as singles dinner dance in Snowflake. The young singles are putting it on and invited us oldies. I'm looking forward to going. My girlfriend is going to come by for me in a few minutes.
(She didn't get here until after 7 so we missed the dinner and only got in on the tail end of the entertainment but it was ok.) Tonight is a fireside in Show Low, maybe we'll do better with that. We had a great car pool to Show Low. Three of us “ladies" piled in the back seat of Sterling's little car, and Sterling and Michael were in the front. One lady got a ride in another car to go home. It was like a bunch of teen agers; the fireside speaker was b-o-r-i-n-g but the refreshments and ride is what it is all about. Sterling walked me around the side of the church to my car when we got back to Taylor and I took his arm and showed him some constellations in the night sky. . . any excuse was good enough for me. that was all last week, this was an old letter being updated. I guess I saw Sterling every day this week.

I told Sterling this week,if he didn't like me being forward he would have to hit me over the head with a 2X4, but he said he liked it and needed it.

He really; gets excited about his reading lessons.(He had some kind of stroke.) He has worked so hard to develop his own phonetic rules, which are pretty accurate, and got really excited when I showed him a book with them already in it. We read over a technical medical article and I showed him that the prefixes and root words gave clues to the pronunciation and meanings of words and he was so excited about that.

I took Jenny for an adjustment and he was telling her about our reading lessons and what fun it was. . he’s never embarrassed about learning something new; he is so teachable its great. I even did some counseling with him by reading his palm and told him things I had figured out about him and he was excited to learn about that too! I'd day one in a million would be so teachable. Besides he is great foot rubber and sticks to the feet and adjusting for touch.

He is starting to reciprocate my forwardness and is complementary and tells me about telling his friend Michael what an interesting fun person I am. Sterling suggested I invited Michael over with his boys for dinner so I did just to be nice, and Michael was really confused because Sunday at the fireside it seemed apparent to everyone except Sterling that we were falling in love; but then Michael gets confused a little more easily than most anyway; but he told Sterling that I had asked him over and Sterling pretended surprise and said, "ooh great that's wonderful, you will really enjoy her.' so Michael was even more confused and blew Sterling away by asking, "when are you getting married?" Apparently it didn't bother him as much as he said, because he told me about the conversation.

That’s the really fun thing. We talk about everything. Jenny was surprised while we were there about the things we talked about. We ended up getting stood up all around. Michael said he would let me know about dinner, so when he hadn't called back by Saturday afternoon, I told Sterling I assumed that he wasn't coming, Then Sterling, yes, Sterling, got upset with Michael for not showing up, but said, "well I won't give on him for that." So I told Sterling and his boy to come on over and eat Michael's Navajo tacos. Sterling said they probably would come, but didn't show, so I called and said, "does this mean no?"

He just laughed and asked if he could take a rain check. I think I'll just stick to dropping in on him at his house, because I am not sure he could find his way across town if he decided to! You would kind of have to be around us to understand why I don't just throw up my hands and holler quit; but there is so much when we are together, but I just have learned to wait until we are together to expect anything.

everything was ok. He told her Dee had called, and she relayed the message. I got all silly and stamped my feet, and said he never calls in the morning, I hope he calls back this evening. Sterling was standing there looking at me, and says, "now where does he live,?" I hadn't mentioned him so I just said, as Vegas, we’ve been pen pals for about a year and a half. "

Sterling looked funny and said, "oh, that’s good; that’s real good."
But I could hear a hint of competition. Then Dee called back in the evening and asked about my new chiropractor friend, "uh, does she have a family?" I said, yes three boys with him and his girl lives with his ex, wife, and ,
'Dee said, "oh, that’s nice, that's really nice that you have a good friend. I didn't set them to make them each jealous, but it was kind of fun. Then Monte called to say he didn't make it I guess, so we talked a while, but after Dee and Sterling, talking to Monte is a very patient skill and just doesn’t excite me very much, though he is very nice, for someone else.

Psychological evaluation: Lynda is in her second adolescents and is having a great time flirting with men in theirs. Sterling is still in love with his wife and afraid of relationships with women so he is a safe comfortable friend,and Dee may be in prison for several more years if this first attempt at parole fails in July. MMichael might be looking to get serious with someone after being a widow 2 years so he is not safe, therefore, not interesting. Conclusion. Lynda is as nut, but then we all knew that.


Sterling and I were talking after Larry left about Larry's fear of impotence. He's a 32 year old virgin, and not sure if he can hold a hard or use it so he was pumping Sterling for vitamins and mineral information that would help him be potent. We were kind of laughing at him when he left, but I think we both felt the same fear ourselves and so we were more laughing at ourselves. I tried to assure him that it wasn't important how we perform, and he was saying the same.

I can't believe the intimate easy conversations that we have and yet for me to say out loud, I love you Sterling, even though I had practiced and practiced. . . I would sit on the arm of the chair and say 'I love you Sterling, Merry Christmas, and kiss him gently on the forehead and move a way quickly,. . . .but I said, 'well, have a good trip and drive carefully. Let me know when you get back."

And he said, yea, I'm taking Spencer along to poke me so I'll stay awake.

And I left.

We can stare into each other's eyes as we talk or not talking with no shift from embarrassment, and once in a while he leans into my knee on the adjusting table while he talks about things. I love him and he loves me, but I just can't seem to get him to admit it, nor can his Bishop.


Sterling was happy that I gave him a shirt, and his boys gave him a slip over he was wearing.. . he looked great in it. His had been so shabby and stained, and frayed.
I stayed a couple of hours, he had another patient, and we talked a long time. The boys were holed up in their room with their Christmas

Sterling said, Larry Bigler is coming over right now, do you know him? I asked is he single. He said yes, and described him and said he was about 30 or so.

I said you'll have to fix me up with someone older than that if you want to get me off your back. '

"I'm not going to fix you---up with anyone."

"Does that mean you like me on your back?"

"I'm not saying." red blush
"Well, I'll take it as a yes."

Later we were talking about dreams, and I said, "I had a neat one the other night, I dreamed I was kissing you and I was saying, I don't want to open my eyes because I'll wake up and I want to stay right here. . . then I opened my eyes and you were still there, but I was still dreaming, and when I really woke up it was like, 'where did he go?"

He got as kick out of that and acted like it didn't embarrass him too much, but seemed to rather enjoy it.